Written by Lisa Lewis-Martin.
Hi, my name is Lisa and I live with borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety; along with other personality disorders that haven’t been diagnosed as yet!
I am not on any medication at the moment, as years ago they would be my self harm kit, along with any implement that I could hurt myself with. I would take all my pills in the event I would die, and therapy is non-existent where I live, which is heartbreaking as talking about my life would maybe help me a bit.
I cannot control my emotions like other people can, I struggle every day and my mind is racing continuously. My head is full of events that probably will never happen. But in my mind most are bad, and they will happen. For example, my boyfriend will leave me tomorrow or next year. I see it quite clearly, and because he is the only one that can make me feel better, I wouldn’t be able to bear that! A BPD mind is a very traumatic and painful thing to have.
I’m not certain when I realised something wasn’t right, I had a good childhood I think until the age of 13 years old. That’s when things changed…
I’d met this guy at an underage disco, we got talking and bam that was it. He was a lot older than me (28 years old). We dated, went for coffee, had meals out, everything you normally do on dates.
Except I got in much too deep very, very quickly. The jealousy started to appear, I would find out he was lying to me, meeting other girls, etc.
I was broken, but loved him so dearly and I couldn’t live without him. Our relationship lasted 7-8 years, and as I was only turned 13 years, going on 14, this was all new to me.
But, he would buy me gifts and everything would be great again. He even let me meet his mum, and as he was from a certain religion that was an honour for me. I couldn’t meet his dad though as he wouldn’t of approved our relationship! Or that’s what he told me!
Some of the things he made me do weren’t right. I knew that they weren’t, but I would’ve done anything to keep him, so I did them.
At 14, nearly 15, I became pregnant and straight away I knew I wouldn’t keep it. I was much too young. So, after talking to my doctor and a special clinic, I underwent a termination. My family knew about my relationship and my termination, they weren’t happy with it due to the age gap.
Anyway, we carried on, and by then I’d left home and started living with him above the restaurants that he worked at. It was great to be with him 24/7! It was heavenly most of the time. We had some great times, and some not. Once he punched me in the nose but I can’t remember why now.
Years passed, and one day he suddenly told me that he was going back to his country to see family. He was uncertain how long it would be, maybe months. I was heartbroken, I didn’t want him to go. But eventually I found out he’d gone to have an arranged marriage.
I remember stealing money from my mum’s purse just so I could go see him off at the airport, but I think my mum caught and banned me from going.
So much happened in this relationship but there is not enough time to go into all of it. I was completely broken, and missed him abnormally so, and didn’t want to live without him.
But later, I found out that he was actually 38 years old when I first met him, I was 13!!
All he wanted was to groom me. Buying me presents etc… just as an abuser does!
BPD has one trait that surfaces with me especially, and that is abandonment, which is how all I’ve told you about has moulded me into BPD.
After that, I went through relationships, and two marriages which were abusive too (on their part, not mine). But my last marriage bore me two beautiful children, who I adore and are the only reason I’m alive today.
I’m currently in a relationship, and have been for 9 years. It is turbulent, but I cannot and don’t want to leave him as I love him nearly as much as I do my children. He knows how I am and what my BPD entails, but still gives me reasons not to trust him. Everything he does that he knows I won’t like, ends in me being broken over and over again.
How I have survived my life up until now I will never know, and every day I want to die, but I go on…….